The readiness is all

"If it be now, 'tis not to come;
if it be not to come, it will be now;
if it be not now, yet it will come.
The readiness is all."

I don't like being baffled. It bothers me. I like to think I'm intelligent and thoughtful and compassionate. However, the more I think about it, I realize this isn't the case. I think it's because I'm very, very close to what I want. Success as an actor or a musician. Success as a man in a relationship with a woman. Success and recognition from my peers and all those I hold in high regard. And it's equal parts terrifying, exhilarating and frustrating.

That quote up there used to baffle me. Part of it still does. I studied a great deal of Shakespeare in school. I have a passion for it. It's some of the richest examples of our language and 2/3 of the population can't understand it. And my twisted brain enjoys taking that language puzzle and making it crystal clear for all to see and hear. We had to do an exercise in school. It was to roughly translate EVERY line of Richard III. I still use the technique, because I like to know what I'm talking about. But it's hard, sometimes. And this passage used to baffle me. Because it can me so many things, I suppose. There's so many contexts. But this is the one that finally made sense to me.

If it's happening to you this very minute, then it's not something to look forward to;
If you don't think it's going to happen, it's bound to happen immediately;
If this wasn't your day, there's another one tomorrow.
Just be prepared, son. Be ready.

And that's my question. How do you ever know when you're ready? I thought I wanted kids, but then I see my roommates, with their two little kids and I think, "Dear God, I'm not ready for that! I don't have the energy, I don't have the patience, I don't have the understanding." I think I'm ready to lead this band into the lights of fame and fortune and then I sing a song at the Horseshoe and sound like Cher without her voice correction machine (think somewhere between Cookie Monster and William Hung.) I think about marriage, but then I stop and say, "Can I live in the same space as someone for the rest of my life, for every waking moment of the day? Won't I kill that person? Won't they kill me?"

Every time I think I'm ready for something, Life seems to notice and knock me down a peg. On one level, I'm ok with that. I don't want to get arrogant or pretentious. But I would like to have a few certainties in life. I'd like to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And I'd like to know that I'm doing it with the right people. I know that sounds hokey, but you have to ask yourself that question when you're lying awake in bed at 4am, stomach rumbling because you've eaten Kraft Dinner for the third straight night (about 9 hours ago) and you're wondering which company will call today to try and draw blood from the stone that you call a bank account (with -$21.37 in it).

I understand 'be ready'. I understand that. But there's only so long that you can stand and wait for the train before you begin to wonder if you've mixed the schedules up, or if you're at the wrong damned station.

And so, I write this. On the off chance that Fate or God or Yaweh or Buddha or the Great Turtle or Steven Spielberg or Record Label Bigshots read personal journals.

I'm here.
I'm going to make mistakes - I know this now.
But, I'm ready.
I'm ready now.