It's My Breakout Year!

Sadly, this has been my mantra for the past two years now. I have yet to live up to the expectations included in said phrase. Here's hoping that this is truly the one and that my destiny isn't tied into the Leafs (it's too late in life for me to begin a 'rebuilding' phase.)


I've been watching tv, movies, videos and studying my icons. According to my data, here's the top 5 things I need to do in 2009 to push myself and the band to the next level.


5. Lose 100 pounds.


Although I'm well within the parameters for 'average' weight given my height and age, you apparently can't be a star unless you are heroin, third-world, dangerously thin. Ideally, those 'skinny' jeans should barely hang on your frame and your body should completely lack any muscular definition. If you can see bones or bone structure, you're on the right track. This may require surgery in my case but I'm wiling to do it for my art.


4. Date Winona Ryder.


It's an integral part of any indie musician's rising career. She's like the Susan Sarandon character in Bull Durham. But a lot younger and a lot more hot. And hopefully Kevin Costner won't be anywhere in the vicinity. I have no trouble with this one as I've always had a crush on Winona and I've been keen to dabbling in shoplifting.


3. Hire Barack Obama's Fundraising Team


Those cats are money magicians. In the worst economic crisis since the great depression they managed to find $656, 000, 000 in just under two years. That's insane. I'll take just ONE of his team.


2. Get in Bed With Disney


I'm not sure how it happens. I don't know if you f*#k a mouse or if you have to donate body fluids, parts and cartilage to replace the pieces of Walt that have deteriorated in cryogenic freezing. But 5 of the top 8 'Entertainment' stories of last year owe their entire career to Disney so I'm going to find out how it happens. And then do whatever the hell they me to. If Disney tells me that the band should go more polka, then you will see 5 guys ready for Oktoberfest and hear a lot more accordian.


1. Make More Inflammatory Remarks


"George Bush doesn't care about black people." "Jews started all the wars in history." That sort of thing. Apparently the more ridiculouse your claims, beliefs or behaviours, the more publicity you get. So here is my first inflammatory remark of 2009. Let the incendiary press commence.



"If Heath Ledger weren't already dead, I'd bludgeon him to just such a point with the Oscar he's going to undeservedly win."