And the Grammy goes to...

Who cares? The Grammy's, Oscar's & Tony's are all antiquated award systems where rich people can slap other rich people on the back and have an excuse to drink a lot and wear ridiculous, impractical clothing. My friends and I can do that at home. I have a bottle of rye downstairs and a Star Trek uniform in my closet (I don't want to talk about it.) At least the People's Choice Awards are self-explanatory. These 'loftier' award ceremonies just baffle me.

The Grammy's were last night. They make me mad. For a variety of reasons, but the foremost being this: It's rare that the band that should win actually wins (the guys in my band will have a personal affinity with this rule of thumb). And what's rarer is that the band that should win is even nominated!!! Look at this years nominees. Coldplay & Greenday are not voted for 'Album of the Year' and yet Mariah Carey & Paul McCartney are. If it's a question of who's on the radio the most this year, then sure, nominate those two. But call it, 'Album That Was Played on the Radio Most This Year' and have done with it. If it's really, truly a question of who's creating interesting new music and challenging ideas, then the first two deserve a nomination, if not a victory. And McCartney and Carey should fight to the death. Let's pray for a double knockout.

How can you compare Rascal Flatts & U2? Well the good Grammy folks can. They're both nominated for 'Song of the Year'. They may use a few of the same chords, but the comparative criteria stops there. How can you compare Jack Johnson & Seal? They're both nominated for 'Best Male Pop Vocal Performance'. Christ, Jack Johnson has a 4 note, emotionless range that will put you to sleep, while Seal sings his ass off and emotes more than a gospel preacher. How do you lump those two together? Yes, yes, before all fifteen Jack Johnson fans get up in arms, I'm being hard on him. I don't like his music. The point I'm trying to make is, was he really one of the five greatest vocal performers this past year? I think not.

I've had it with awards shows. The only reason I'll ever care again is because someone gives me a lot of free stuff to go sit through one. Mark my words. If The Free Press is ever nominated for a Juno or a Grammy, I'll be the drunk guy hitting on Scarlett Johansson, Keira Knightley, Rachel McAdams - or the other beautiful women at the ceremony that year.

I leave you with this parting thought. I was leafing through my latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine and they were discussing the Grammy's. They seem to share some of my venom for the puzzling adjudication process. That's evident here:


Best New Artist, 1962

Robert Goulet

Nothing against Goulet - the dude was great in Naked Gun 2 1/2 and Scrooged. But you know who else was a new artist in 1962?

Bob fucking Dylan.


Indeed.