Love to be loved...

Yes, it's February and that means stupid Hallmark holiday's, over-priced flowers and two of my best friends birthdays. The birthdays I don't begrudge. Everything else can take a hike.

This isn't to say I'm anti-love. I hate when people think that you're a cold, emotionless savage because you don't like Valentine's day. I don't like being TOLD that I have to be in love on February 14th. That's all. If you've ever experienced a post-adolescent Valentine's Day on your own, you know what I'm talking about. It's excruciating, because everyone is so acutely aware of showing that they care and showing that they're in love and showing they're not alone. It's maddening.

I've been in love several times in my life now. Each one was markedly different. And I wouldn't give up any of those experiences for all the world. That doesn't mean that I don't wonder about them from time to time, though. I think it's the flipside of all the joy and laughter and warmth that came with being in love. There will always be shadows and ghosts and sensations that belong to the past and belong to those people. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it won't go away. For some of the people I thought I loved, it did go away. But for those I truly loved, little things linger. And I'm ok with that. I know I should let go of those things, but I can't. Maybe I'm not strong enough. Or maybe I'm afraid. I don't have the answer. But whatever the reason, I need to keep those things. They hurt me, comfort me, judge me, free me and help me. And they're deeply, deeply woven into a lot of my hopes and dreams. I know that must be hard for some people to understand. But it makes sense to me. That said, I'm in love again now and it's different from all the rest. As it should be. Otherwise, what's the point?

I've rediscovered the Peter Gabriel album Us. He wrote - what is for me - one of the most honest and moving songs about love and loss that's ever been written. It's so hard to go straight for the heart without being drippy or cheesy or sentimental. But he does it here. The man's a genius and if you have the record on your shelf, take an hour and re-live all the joy and pain that the music has. The record has everything that we live for.

"And in this moment, I need to be needed
When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved
I love to be loved
Oh I love to be loved

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe
And I let go
And I let go
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved
Yes I love to be loved
I love to be loved"