6 Bullets and the truth

CAUTION: J.D. is in a dark mood today. This entry is reflective of his disdain for the state of his world right now. And for the state of the 'entertainment' scene in general.

Yes, I've been ranting a great deal recently about the problems with the entertainment industry - particularly the music on the radio and the television. And I just can't get away from it. I work at a bookstore right now, but we also sell music. And I almost vomited when I was flipping through my advance copy of Rolling Stone magazine and noted that Ashlee Simpson is coming out with her second album.

Sweet. Gentle. Jesus.

Why? Didn't her first one just come out six months ago? Wasn't it almost immediately thrown on the discount shelf with the Milli Vanilli & Jesus Jones records?

If that wasn't bad enough, I heard that god awful new single from INXS. For those of you who don't know, INXS was a very popular band from Australia through the 80's and less so into the early 90's. In 1997, Michael Hutchence (the lead singer) killed himself. The band very kindly waited 8 years before having a national television search to replace him.

Sweet. Gentle. Jesus.

Michael Hutchence WAS that band. That would be like U2 holding auditions to replace Bono, the Rolling Stones casting their net to find another Mick Jagger or Radiohead looking for a new Thom Yorke. Yes, all the band members contribute, but the uniqueness of the band is defined by the singer. And this J.D. Fortune joker has a) sullied my name, b) recorded a terrible song that will begin the new era of defiling great bands (you watch - Van Halen or Queen will do it next) and c) set music back another step. Who thought it was possible with the Ashlee Simpson's, the Nickelback's and the Billy Talent's? Not me. But he's done it. He - and the shell of INXS - begins a bold new chapter in soulless music.

This leads me to a fun game I play. Certainly it speaks to the perversion of my mind, but I think it's healthy to have a strong dislike for some people. You need to have a spectrum. Without anger, there is no appreciation of joy. Without hatred, there is no caring. Without apathy, there is no love.

Anyway, the game. You have a magnum revolver. You have 6 bullets. Who would you use the bullets on? It doesn't have to be some asshole you work with. It can be anybody. I know Jennifer Lopez has never done anything to me personally, but I can't stand her. I hate the way she talks, I hate the way she moves, I hate the way she sings and I hate the way she lies. Sure, Jen, sure you're still the same person you were when you lived in Brooklyn. Then why the lavish furs, ungodly priced clothing and general excessive lifestyle? Is that how they do things in Brooklyn? They waste every cent they have on pointless material posessions? Here's my list. It's necessary to prioritize in case the bullet fails to strike a major organ or artery.


1. Mark Burnett. The Godfather of Soulless. Without this jackass we wouldn't have to endure such tripe as Survivor, The Apprentice, INXS Wankstar and The Contender. He may have more, but it's his fault that ALL that crap - Big Brother, Amazing Race, American Idol, Surreal Life - has dominated television for just over half a decade. 'Reality' television is just another word for badly scripted television. Watch Train 48 if that's your bag. As an actor and a person who used to love well crafted tv, I'm forced to give him bullet #1.

2. Mark Burnett. See above.

3. Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block. Sure you are, hon. Anyway, for various crimes to society and culture, she gets bullet #3.

4. Ashlee Simpson. Notorious coat-tail rider. Just because your sister has talent and has a tv show, doesn't mean that you do. Maybe you can lip-sync the word 'No' as bullet #4 punctures your lungs.

5. Chad Kroeger. For making music into a predictable, neatly wrapped turd. A whole field of them, actually. Also - as a sidenote - generally a side-project (his is Theory of Deadman) is a chance for a musical 'departure'. You know, something that sounds a little different than your primary band. How this man can continue to churn out formulaic, tired excrement is astonishing. The only thing more astonishing is that people continue to buy it. Ah, Chad...How You Remind Me of the need for violence in the world. Bang. Bullet #5.

6. I'm saving this one. I'll probably need to defend myself after offending the fans of all the jerks on this list.

And before any gets their knickers in a knot, ask yourself - honestly - "do I have a list like this?" If you don't, well, you're a better person than I am. And of course I'm exaggerating. I don't want to kill anyone, but I would dearly love to stick all these people in some kind of Carbonite Freezing chamber or hit them with 20 years of tranq darts.

I am a passionate person. I am going to dedicate my life to playing in a pop/rock band and challenging people to think and ask questions. But I also want to help everyone discover new bands, wonderful, obscure films and hidden talent. The people on this list exemplify and champion mediocrity - in television, music and entertainment. And as a friend recently taught me to say, 'That's fucking unacceptable."