Bathing suit season...

I don't consider myself a vain person. Sure, I occasionally worry that I don't look good in blue or that my skin isn't as taut and smooth as it should be, but I don't feel the need to wear make-up or practise my smiling and grinning in front of a mirror. However, as summer approaches and we become more aware of all our flaws and physical inferiorities, I've begun to worry for myself...

So much of being successful in anything these days is looking good. I hate that. Maybe it's always been that way, but it makes me cheer all the louder for the Thom Yorke's, the Dave Matthew's, the Norah Jones', the Sarah Harmer's. I don't think any of those folks are beautiful, but they are remarkably attractive because of their talent and charisma. Yes, they're ok looking but they don't stand out in a room in Hollywood. However, they're really talented. Jennifer Anniston, Anna Kournikova, Jennifer Lopez, Richard Gere - these folks are the opposite. Important people (the ones that run magazines and Hollywood and everything we're allowed to talk about) think they're beatiful and their talent isn't too offensive (although EVERYONE who knows me, will agree that I contest the inclusion of Jennifer Lopez on any list other than one that begins with the word 'hit'.)

Anyway, all this presents me with a problem. I don't think I'm good looking and I'm not a prodigious musician/actor. Interesting looking, perhaps, but not good looking. Gifted actor and good musician, but not enough to make the papers. As such, I feel I have to try and find a middle ground. I need to corner a new market. I need to be pretty talented and pretty good looking. Musically, that means I work on my voice. It has some unique qualities and with some work it might be remarkable. As to my appearance, I need to pick an attribute and exploit it. Here's where the trouble starts. So many 'looks' have been ruined in the last twenty years. Don Johnson ruined the stubbly look for everyone (cowboys have been pissed about that since the mid-eighties). That's ok, because I can't grow facial hair. Seriously. The native half of me refuses to grow hair. This results in a strange pattern that one might find a newborn yeti's face or on a 3 year olds Etch-A-Sketch. But I digress. I think my eyes are nice, but I can't wear make-up to accentuate them. It looks better on women and even if it were an option, everyone's doing it now (Greenday, Killers, and another bunch of bands that's trying to steal the eighties). Elvis and then Billy Idol cornered the lip market with their sneering and snarling. So what's left? The hair. It's the only physical attribute I have that's remarked on time and time again. It's curly and dark and mysterious or something. But Chad Kroeger fucked that up for all us curly haired folks and now Kalan Porter has come along to remind everyone just how bad Chad Kroeger's hair was five years ago (I didn't need reminding - it was burned in my memory like an old tatoo that you can't seem to remove no matter how many times you laser the bitch!)

So what to do? I can't shave my head. That's Bruce Willis' thing. And right now, Alex (my drummer) is bald and we've agreed that no band should have more than one bald guy (The Blue Man Group is the exception to the rule). I can cut it short again, but then I look like Peter Brady. I let it go too much and it looks like the love child of a 1970's Harlem Globetrotter and Gilda Radner - during her early SNL days). If anyone out there has a suggestion, I'm all ears. I need a stylist, I need a salon expert, I need help!!!*

* J.D. reserves the right to refuse ridiculous ideas or suggestions that he cut his head off and sew a nicer one on.