Full Moon Fever

For whatever reason, people have been known to behave in bizarre, irrational and clinically insane fashions around the full moon, so I checked the lunar cycle for 2009. There is no full moon due until February 9. Therefore, I am left with one obvious conclusion. Our atmosphere or our fresh-water drinking supply has been diluted with some manner of psychotic drug. Perhaps I've just staggered out of the said stupor because I've been drinking pepsi & wine for three days straight and now have some clarity on the strangeness of the world at large. Regardless, everyone is acting very weird.

I just watched sports highlights and was fascinated with the crazy mob mentality. Apparently people in Pittsburgh were rioting because the Steelers won. "YES! YAAAAY!! Our football team is the best! Let's tip cars over! Let's light shit on fire!" Sure. That makes total sense.

In my entire time on this earth, I have been in one fistfight. One. It was in a Junior hockey game and I was really only involved because the team mate beside me started it and I was 'drawn in' rather quickly. That said, a fight where you have a large, caged mask over your face is no more dangerous than American Gladiators (you know, fighting with giant Q-tips). Although I'm a passionate and outspoken person, I usually manage to avoid fistacuffs. But after our show on Friday no less than two people wanted to fight with me. Their reasons were remarkable and involved me being about a foot taller, a lot more muscular and in three geographical places simultaneously. I want some of the drugs they had. They seem very, very good.

And then there's the commercials on television so far this year. They've certainly been heading down the 'strange' path for a while because unless you go the distance (be that weird, offensive or insane) no one will notice your product anymore. So now we have a Cialis commercial where a couples house has been ransacked, an Interac commercial where a small truck stalks a woman (if the Police's "Every Breath You Take" was playing in the background it would be a chilling short format thriller) and there's been a rash of talking baby ads (if the theme from "Poltergeist" was playing in the background it would be a chilling short format thriller) which should have been outlawed after "Look Who's Talking."

Everyone needs to settle down. My advice? Take a few deep breaths, get off the hard drugs, consume a lot of wine & pepsi, stay indoors and call me in a week.