Dog Day Afternoon

Well, the year is a day shy of two weeks old and thus far, success has not fallen from the sky and covered me in glory. I'll keep my eyes looking outward but the only thing I expect to see is more damned snow.

I was watching my beloved Leafs on Saturday (truly, I am a masochist) and heard this time of the year - referenced for the hockey players - as the 'dog days.' And I thought that sort of fit the bill for artists, too. There's not a lot going on, everyone has a bit of cabin fever and there's at least another sixty days before we can get outside and make something happen. (I cite the bands tour last year in late February as a reason to stay inside. Unless you're into skiing down very rural Quebec mountains in a minivan - with a trailer attached - I'd advise against a tour where you have to drive this time of year.)

I understand why animals hibernate now. I do. And I think they're smarter than us for doing so. "Jeez, there really isn't a lot going on for the next three or four months, is there? I think I'll just go buffet for a few weeks and then have a nice, long sleep. I'll burn off that pesky body fat and wake up when it's warm." Why - with the medicine and science that we have today - have we not created a human equivalent? Pig out + long sleep + weight loss = EVERYTHING WE WANT! Ok, not everything, but 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

But really, why stay awake in these, the dog days of winter? Let's be honest - the tv sucks until late winter/early spring (unless you like awards shows and if that's the case, you need a whole separate system of medical attention), there will be no good movies until May 24 and if you decide to go outside and get some fresh air, it's probably a little too fresh. At least, -20 celsius is a little too fresh in my books.

I think my breakout year would look a lot better after a nice, cool, two week sleep. Someone tell Oprah so we can get this thing in the works.

It's My Breakout Year!

Sadly, this has been my mantra for the past two years now. I have yet to live up to the expectations included in said phrase. Here's hoping that this is truly the one and that my destiny isn't tied into the Leafs (it's too late in life for me to begin a 'rebuilding' phase.)


I've been watching tv, movies, videos and studying my icons. According to my data, here's the top 5 things I need to do in 2009 to push myself and the band to the next level.


5. Lose 100 pounds.


Although I'm well within the parameters for 'average' weight given my height and age, you apparently can't be a star unless you are heroin, third-world, dangerously thin. Ideally, those 'skinny' jeans should barely hang on your frame and your body should completely lack any muscular definition. If you can see bones or bone structure, you're on the right track. This may require surgery in my case but I'm wiling to do it for my art.


4. Date Winona Ryder.


It's an integral part of any indie musician's rising career. She's like the Susan Sarandon character in Bull Durham. But a lot younger and a lot more hot. And hopefully Kevin Costner won't be anywhere in the vicinity. I have no trouble with this one as I've always had a crush on Winona and I've been keen to dabbling in shoplifting.


3. Hire Barack Obama's Fundraising Team


Those cats are money magicians. In the worst economic crisis since the great depression they managed to find $656, 000, 000 in just under two years. That's insane. I'll take just ONE of his team.


2. Get in Bed With Disney


I'm not sure how it happens. I don't know if you f*#k a mouse or if you have to donate body fluids, parts and cartilage to replace the pieces of Walt that have deteriorated in cryogenic freezing. But 5 of the top 8 'Entertainment' stories of last year owe their entire career to Disney so I'm going to find out how it happens. And then do whatever the hell they me to. If Disney tells me that the band should go more polka, then you will see 5 guys ready for Oktoberfest and hear a lot more accordian.


1. Make More Inflammatory Remarks


"George Bush doesn't care about black people." "Jews started all the wars in history." That sort of thing. Apparently the more ridiculouse your claims, beliefs or behaviours, the more publicity you get. So here is my first inflammatory remark of 2009. Let the incendiary press commence.



"If Heath Ledger weren't already dead, I'd bludgeon him to just such a point with the Oscar he's going to undeservedly win."