11 Time's a Charm...

I've always been slow to jump on pop culture bandwagons. Part of me (actually, most of me) hates the kind of conformist attitude that gives bands like Nickelback their success. Usually it's lemming behaviour and people do it just because everyone else is doing it. I don't do that. I'll get around to it in my own time and make my own conclusions.

However, because of my stubborn attitude, I recently found that I've been missing out on the remarkable world that is Youtube.com. It's a surreal world where you go to find ridiculous video clips and information on the most foolish, outrageous and funniest jackasses on the planet. It's fantastic.

I watched Jimmy Kimmel last week and he had a special segment on Maury. Apparently Maury has been including women who want to have paternity tests on his show. It's almost formulaic, but I think it's a more successful formula than American Idol (Or Chad Kroeger's writing). Angry woman claims her child is fathered by the jerk sitting across the stage from her and he won't own up and take responsibility. So, they go to the ultimate judge of character and truth; Maury Povich.

This particular clip is just astonishing. It's wrong and it's dark and it's terrible, but I laughed my ass off when I saw it. She had been on Maury's show several times before and was conducting her 11th (yes, 11th) paternity test. If it's acting, it's brilliant and the writers and actors deserve an Emmy. If it's real life, it's sad and brilliant and I hope someone buys them a couple buckets of chicken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdpKq8lATJU&search=11th%20paternity%20test

For Whom the Bell Tolls

I was at home last week, golfing with my dad and he said, "I don't mean to bring anything negative to the course here, but what was with your email about Bell?" He was referring to my incredibly sarcastic email that I sent to all my contacts about two weeks ago after I changed my internet service from Bell to Rogers. If memory serves, the subject was 'Bell Sucks.'

What happened was this. I tried to log onto the internet on a Saturday morning and was unable to. Apparently my password or my login was suspended or unrecognizable. When I called Bell to get some help a kind technical help assistant told me my account was suspended. When I asked, "Why is it suspended?", she said she didn't know. I asked if there was anyone I could talk to in hopes of discovering the mysterious reason for my suspension and she said, "Oh no. You'd have to talk to our Billing & Accounts department and they're closed until Monday morning."

I digested this. Someone had effectively shut off my internet very late Friday morning - without bothering to cite a reason - and then gone home for the weekend. Charming.

My next phone call was to Rogers. I asked them how quickly they could get someone here to set up internet. It took them 36 hours, but I was willing to wait given the Bell alternative.

And come Monday morning, I called Bell and said, "I'd like to cancel my service." And the woman - who started off quite kindly, but grew more and more short with me - said, "Oh that's too bad. I see here you've been a custormer for 9 years - it's a shame to lose you. May I ask the reason?"

I said, "Can you put down 'staggering incompetence'?"

She said, "Sorry?"

I said, "Staggering incompetence."

I think the picture I've posted tells the rest of the story. I received it in the mail more than a week after I lost my internet services. I can only assure you that it's unphotoshopped and undoctored. It is a photograph of the actual document Bell sent to me citing the reason my internet was shut off for more than 48 hours. Because my account was 'seriously overdue in the amount of $0.00." Say it with me now.

Un.
Buh.
Lievable.